Franner's Rant!

Its been pretty irritating this whole health kick thing, i sat down to get two of my 5-a-day. first step - a banana, this should have been easy until the cunt slipped out of my hand and hit the deck. Im sure the comedy of old tells us that the banana skin the slippery part the falic style monkey bummed part. As a rule if anything hits the floor you have three seconds to pick it up, this applies to everyone. I know Gordon Ramsey frequently drops stuff on the floor and wacks it on the plate as good as new. We have three seconds, its the rule, dont get snippy.
After my slightly fluffy banana i moved onto a clementine, this is a small orange, second cousin to the satsuma and had a one night stand with a kumquat (they used protection but i am still very interested in what the offspring would taste like). Clementines as a rule are pretty easy to eat, unfortunatly mine hadn't been told. This may have been due to a lost email or text message. It took me a good 10mins to get the ruddy thing out of its little orange clothing, i could have sex in that time (including shower and cuddles). The little fucker didnt want to strip in one piece, there where small bits of orange pith all over the shop. I finally got into it and put my first segment in my mouth. Usually segment in, chew, swallow, next segment or at worst segment in, chew, crunch, fucking pips, swallow. This orange juice devil had not one, not two but THREE pips in it. Whats worse was this wasn't a single mutant wegde but everyone i bit into had three or four pips. I counted 26 pips at the end of my fruit feast! People, for shits sake fruit it is way to fiddley, who thought eating a pineapple was a good idea its spiky and has a green afro. Have you seen a dragon fruit? ugli fruit? fucking hell passion fruits will spit in your eye as soon as you come near them with a spoon. Finally KIWI fruits, nobody likes them they taste like water and have a weird crunch.
Stick to meat.
(please be aware I have no idea if Gordon Ramsey uses the 3 second rule, please Gordon if you read this dont get angry and come and kill me)